Drunken Wisdom

My nephew is proud that he should be the only kid whos Flat Stanley got to pose with strippers… so I guess this is appropriate.

as seen here

“I was a long haired bum, who couldn’t draw an eye. But now, I’m the sweetest uncle a kid ever had, and the girls won’t stay away! Thanks, Flat Stanley!”

Hubba: “I think Flat Stanley would love to have his picture taken with a Hooter’s gal…and T1G once you explain the photo needed to the waitress she’ll practically swoon at how sweet you are. Yep, it’s like walking a puppy.”

Holy crap, Hubba was right! I’m thinking I should make my own Flat Stanley to lug around…

Contagion has a thought provoking post… a great idea, and one that makes you think about how you would like to be sent off. Personally, I’m all for the beer can casket/cooler. Though, I’d take it a bit further…

Why not make this casket a little bigger… say, large enough to accommodate a keg and tapper? And instead of leaving most of the torso exposed for showing, why not have just the head showing, with a bit of the shoulders also exposed to diminish the skeeve factor? (You know… it would look strange seeing just a head in the casket.) From the viewing door on down, you could have a deli display case, featuring cold cuts.

Funeral and dinner all in one. Just the way Jesus would have it…

“Take, eat… Take, drink…”

I’m always thinking…

I saw a sign today: “PICNICKING 1/4 MI.” 1/4 mile later, I saw no Picnic King.

Now, just because he wasn’t visible doesn’t mean that he wasn’t there. He could have been taking a royal dump in the Picnic King’s state of the art outhouse. Or, perhaps he’s invisible… maybe even omnipresent. (I do believe I’ve seen more than one sign, in different areas, advertising a chance to meet the picnic King.) Maybe he’s related to Gott. “Thou shalt have no other gods before me. But I say unto thee, if you shall worship me first, and then my brother, Picnic King, it shall be cool.”

I must ponder this over another brewski…

Some of you have been wondering just who this Flat Stanley guy is, so here ya go.

Flat Stanley, who’s full and proper name is Stanley Lambchop, is the main character in a series of books written by Jeff Brown. Stanley gets flattened when a bulletin board falls on him, and discovers that his newly found “thickness” is pretty handy. He can slide under doors, go down into sidewalk grates, and even fold himself up into an envelope… which is exactly what he did to get here.

During Stanley’s stay, he’ll accompany me on my daily routines. Poor bastard is likely to be bored to death, but I’ll try to hook him up the best I can. Then he can go back to my nephew’s school and share his adventures with the class. We’ll keep a journal and take pictures to help him relate his stories. No slam on my brother in Tennessee, but hopefully we can come up with something other than making bascetti sauce with Eric… which is what he’s doing in the above pic.

Meantime, I’ll try to keep you guys updated, as well.

Gott damn this video!

Tip of the mug to the Perfect One

‘Tis 6:55, and in just a few minutes, the fun begins.

Flat Stanley arrived yesterday, safe and sound, and he will be assisting me as I make up a batch of bascetti sauce… recipe of the Straight White Guy. As a matter of fact, we’ll be chatting with the master chef himself…

Cooking with Eric means drinking with Eric, and though it is nearing 7, I am up for the task. I like you folks that much.

Doc appointment this morning. 11:15.

I arrive at about 11:05, fill out paperwork, take a seat in waiting room at 11:10.

12:30, name called to see doc, and they are concerned that my b/p is a bit on the high side. (130/90 for you worry warts…) I swear I’m chill.

Goosefuckinfraba…

Cell phones. I could care less about the damn things. Oh, I’ve got one… a prepaid Nokia crapphone. It does what I need it to do. There’s nothing fancy about it. No pictures, just calls. It does have texting, but that is used only sparingly. Taking ten minutes to type out five seconds worth of speech is hardly worth it…

As for the I-phone hype, that is way beyond my interest. Or it almost was… this little bit caught my eye.

*The above post, while a legitimate one, could be taken as an attempt to show my brother Z that youtube videos can indeed be posted on Wordpress. Believe me, it is.

I can’t believe that I nearly missed the first of May. For whatever reason, I was thinking April had 31 days. Duh. Fortunately, in a conversation with Richmond, she expressed her hope that May’s arrival meant the end of snow for a few months. And maybe it does. Sort of a seasonal global warming phenomenon. Odd how that works, innit?

The real cause for celebration, mind you, is that it provides me with the perfect excuse to point some more folks towards Jonathan Coulton’s music. Some of you are already familiar with Coulton’s corporate zombie-themed “Re: Your Brains”. I first heard that song via Caltech Girl. (I’d link to the specific post at her site except MuNu appears to be down. Again.*)

Thing is, some of Coulton’s music, including the tune I’m linking below, is definitely NOT SAFE FOR WORK. Come to think of it, it’s also unsafe for both children and those adults who might be offended by strong language and/or who have no sense of humor. Pregnant women, the elderly, and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to…oh, wait. That’s Happy Fun Ball.

Okay, for those of you willing to listen to some definitely NOT SAFE FOR WORK music, then you can head over here, scroll down to the “4 Funny Ones” section and click the arrow next to “First Of May”. Music will automagically start playing.

Song lyrics - which are also NOT SAFE FOR WORK, CHILDREN, etc. - are below the fold.

[Read more →]

My original plan was to embed a YouTube video in this post. Did I look for help on Google? Yep. RTFM? Sure did. Disable the rich text editor in Wordpress as well as my browser’s Adblock and NoScript plugins? Uh-huh. Try using various syntax styles in the editor? Yes, damn it! Unfortunately, it looks like there’s a better chance of embedding Robert Fisk with the troops than a friggin’ YouTube video in this page. %#$@&!!!

Anyway, my original reason for stinking up T1G’s place (again) was to share this little gem:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RgL2MKfWTo

Because, let’s face it, folks - this chick nails that song. I really hope she won. And in case you were wondering, yes, my loony bun is still fine benny lava. Thanks for askin’.

UPDATE: Apparently the Wordpress code editor has a special “read author’s mind” feature. Said feature allows it to read my secret wishes and understand that - in spite of the fact that I’ve gone out of my way to add them - I really want the “target” attribute removed from my link tags. Which means that links won’t open in a new window. I’ll try updating the post using the rich text editor. Again, %#$@&!!!

UPDATE #2: Apparently the rich text editor does the same thing. The explanation offered here, while technically correct, seems stupid. XHTML validation, my ass. Using blogging software should not be a painful experience.

It’s nearly 9 am on a Saturday, and I’m pretty much set for the weekend. Laundry is done, suitcase packed, groceries shopped, car gassed and tires aired up, ready to go. The last of the thundering herd of snails are moving off into the shade, sun’s brightly shining, it’s 57 degrees out, no winds, and the scent of bacon and eggs keeps wafting into my apartment. (Lucky bastards, whoever they are.) A beautiful day.

I should blog, but I can’t think of shit to blog about. Check that. I can think of plenty to blog about, but I can’t disentangle any of the thoughts. Were I to do a stream of consciousness post, you’d all be battered against the rocks in the rapids. My head is jumbled. Well, maybe that’s not really accurate. All features are where they should be, and it is still located on the stem between my shoulders. It’s ugly, but it’s normal. It’s just that what is going on inside is a bit… uh… something.

Ever lost something you never had? I’m sure that most of us have, in one way or another. ‘Tis one of Life’s little gifts. Which can be pretty damn ironic, if you think of it.

Just got word that I’ll be getting a visitor from back home within the next week or two. Kinda looking forward to it.

Now I’ve just got to come up with things to keep Flat Stanley occupied…

I’ve always said that I wanted to get paid for drinking.

It appears that my chance has come and gone.

Unless… something were to befall one of the gentlemen…

If you want to leave at three, you’d better tell me to be here at two… I’m on time for no one.

Does anyone else feel that this comment is worth a fist in the teeth?

Hi. Zee here. Just felt like letting everyone know that after the nightmarish stretch of 16-hour workdays that masqueraded as my life over the last few weeks, the best way to piss me off this morning was to tell me “We’ve postponed the go-live date.” It’s almost enough to make me bludgeon certain coworkers with a hefty book. Or take them out to the barn.

Anyway, about two weeks ago I was starting to feel seriously worn down. My only breaks from work were the five hours of sleep each night and the snippets of movies that I’d watch while eating. Keep in mind that I’m one of those people who really needs their sleep. Really. I’m not a morning person. I’m not even an early afternoon person. I like staying up late but when all is said and done - I need my sleep. Do not mess with my sleep schedule. I’ve a slew of incidents involving me and sleep deprivation, and this tale is about par for the course…

On my way home one night, I stopped at the local Post Office to mail a movie back to the folks at Netflix. I was very tired but I distinctly recall driving there. I also have a distinct recollection of dropping the movie in the outgoing stamped mail bin. Thus, you can imagine my surprise when, a few days later, I learned that Netflix hadn’t received the movie. I waited. And I waited some more. Finally, I simply reported the DVD missing. No worries, they promptly updated their records and sent me the next DVD from my queue. And that’s why you can imagine my surprise when, a week after that, I found the “missing” DVD in a pile of mail on my kitchen table. It was in its return mail envelope so I know I didn’t return an empty Netflix envelope. Also, I never double up on my returns so I know I didn’t have spare Netflix envelopes sitting around.

All of this begs the question - what the heck did I place in the mail at 4 o’clock AM on that fateful morning? Leave your answers in the comments.

Where the heck do our dreams or nightmares draw their imagery from?

In a dream last night, I entered a tobacco style barn that was filled with an overpowering stench. The floors and walls were covered with a greasy liquid that was being collected in troughs. A look up revealed the source of the mystery liquid… assorted carcasses hanging from big hooks on the beams.

Cattle, horses, pigs, dogs, and even the occasional human form hanging in layers that stretched nearly as far as one could see. And while I used the word “carcass,” which kinda implies “dead”, not all of them were. A little disconcerting, since they had all been skinned.

High up in the rafters, a silent black figure looked on. I started climbing, needing to know what the deal was. The further I climbed, the further away he got. I kept climbing until I finally slipped off of one of the bodies and the dream ended in your classic falling dream. I woke up as I was bouncing off of the hanging cadavers.

Until I got up and walked around, though, the dream would start over again every time I started to drift off.

There’s got to be a story in there, somewhere…

A day late, but home for the weekend, nevertheless.

Left San Jose this morning at about 5:45, heading south on 101 to 152. ‘Twas a little foggy out, but nothing really serious. Heading up Pacheco Pass, though, it cast a Tolkienesh Tolkienese Tolkienesian Tolkienate Tolkienish Tolkienous looked like something out of Lord of the Rings. The highway itself was fairly clear, but visibility to either side was limited… you could see the mist overtaking the treelines, and it looked as if ents were moving along the barely visible ridges. As I neared the top of the pass, the fog and grey gave way to a sky filled with splashes of blues, oranges, reds, and violet… and the glowing Eye of Sauron. (Okay, the pupil was horizontal instead of verticle, but still…) It was kinda surreal. By the time I hit Los Banos, the pupil had disappeared, and the sky was the usual dingy blues and browns that are found in the San Joaquin Valley.

One who has a tendency to use long drives to catch up on sleep, I had a serious battle trying to stay awake. The sun kept plastering her beaming smile against my windshield, causing me to squint my eyes closed, but I managed to fight her off long enough to make the turn to the southeast. Now that I’m home, I should nap, but I’ve got a bunch of crap to do. I should sleep well this eve…

For the second week in a row, I was able to get together with someone from back home. Last week, Tammi was in the vicinity, and we were able to get together for a couple hours. This week, my cousin’s wife was out in Salinas and we got together. Not only did I have a good time (both weeks), but it was nice to see folks from home.

This running back and forth between Fresno and San Leandro has gotten me a bit discombobulated. I find myself referring to home, and meaning Fresno, but picturing in my head the people and sights of Stillman. I’m all cornfused…

Anyway, another week down, and only a little under six months to go. Yay.

*message on cell phone

“Joe. Dude. I’m sorry I didn’t call your house phone. I’ll leave you a message there. Sorry again, bro.”

Think there may have been a bit of alcohol involved?

Pete’s Wicked Strawberry Blonde is freakin’ excellent with chocolate.

I think it’s loaded with vitamins and stuff, too…